Land
of the Rising Gas
by:
Kevin
Burns
Few people stop to think much
about it when they fart. Unless
it happens on a crowded elevator,then
everyone thinks about it.
You may not have pondered the
fact that there are over 400 different
kinds of gas in one human fart,
and Japanese of course are no
exception. Japanese routinely
let them rip to the tune of 80
million litres of fart gas every
day of the year. I haven`t even
included hot air bags like Tokyo
Governor Ishihara either! If all
the people in the world could
be synchronized via the internet
to buff on cue, they would emit
4.2 billion litres of butt gas,
and that would fill 3.5 Tokyo
Domes. Not a pretty picture I
know. Just think of the Dome`s
maintenance staff!
I have often thought that my
friend Doug`s expellations were
particularly putrid, but no! According
to research, Japanese young women
expel especially smelly ones these
days due to constipation. Half
of the young women of Japan are
afflicted. Doctors point to dieting
as the culprit in this case. Dieting
leads to a loss of muscle tissue
in general, and loose stomach
muscles in particular, which in
turn leads to constipation, and
farts that would make even Doug
blush!
Help you gasp! I`m dating a Japanese
woman, what should I do? Is there
anything that can be done, Kev?
Unfortunately, I am at a loss
and it isn`t only dieting that
make some elevators smell like
Kawasaki. It is also because the
Western diet has found popularity
among Japanese palets. Simply
put, Japanese are eating more
meat.
Indeed, the fast paced lifestyle
of Japan leads to increased stress,
and worsens one`s intestinal condition.
Perhaps because of this busy lifestyle,
people don`t have as much time
to exercise. Without regular exercise,
we aren`t regular, and our bowels
don`t move smoothly (extend and
shrink well--as one Tokyo doctor,
a proctologist I presume, was
quoted as saying).
One shocking part of the study
revealed that if you try to prevent
a fart, it will actually get you
in more trouble and could affect
your love life! If you refuse
to fluff one (as my Uncle Stan
used to say), then the gas is
absorbed into your blood and travels
to your lungs. Then it comes out
of your mouth, smelling just as
terrible. Let one rip before you
exchange lips with your special
someone I like to say. It is a
shame when couples break up over
mouth farts. It wasn`t that garlic
your partner ate the night before.
This problem isn`t purely a Japanese
one of course, it also takes place
in space. After a fatal accident
involving Apollo 1, NASA was forced
to re-evaluate their safety measures.
The accident involved gas and
some at NASA suggested that even
one fart might have caused the
calamity. They started their analysis
at that point. Finding that farts
contain methane, they proved that
farts can burn. Herman, my boy
scout buddy regularly proved that
on camp outs, but that`s another
story.
NASA analysed many farts and
found that some do not include
methane. It depended on what the
farter had eaten. Eating carbohydrates
tends to produce a methane based
fart, while eating meat or space
food that is meat based, produces
an expellation that is methane
free or low in methane. This tends
to cause the fartee (or recipient
of the fart) to do a severe space
gag, and possibly knock one of
the controls out of whack. This
of course could lead to a serious
accident.
The drawback to all of these
findings was, that low carbohydrate
space food doesn`t produce the
dreaded methane fart, but does
produce a fart like Doug`s. In
space, no one can hear you fart!
But they can sure as hell smell
a fart after some gaseous Neil
Armstrong has had his ration of
low carb space food. It stinks
up the whole lunar module man!
No wonder few astronauts ever
opted for a second mission and
everyone wanted to go for a space
walk! Japanese astronaut Mamoru
Mouri, who served on the Space
Shuttle remarked that when someone
farts in space it doesn`t dissipate,
"...it becum rump of gasu
travelling through space shuttle.
Sometime it strike fellow astronaut
nose. Honto ni kusai!" (It
smells just terrible,") he
related. "It often happen
in shuttle, but feeling is mutual,"
he finalized.
So there you have it, let`s be
careful out there; and as my father
saw on a Scottish grave stone:
"Aire we be, let wind blow
free."
by Kevin Burns
at great personal risk
(Researched by T. Yamaki under
much duress.
*Ms. Yamaki has shown no side
effects, so far, from this research.)
