Dating
Advice: Love Shouldn't Hurt
by:
Terry Hernon
MacDonald "Because when pain
has been intertwined with love and closeness,
it's very difficult to believe that love and closeness
can be experienced without pain." -Gloria
Steinem, "Revolution from Within."
If you tend to attract men who disappoint you
(by cheating on you, not showing up when they
say they will, or just refusing to get off the
couch), you may be confusing love with pain.
So many of us have been brought up to believe
that pain is normal, even expected, in a love
relationship. Without it, the relationship seems
flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why is it that
so many women have great sex after a fight with
a significant other?)
A happy, loving relationship eludes us because
we don't recognize it when we see it, or because
we simply believe it's not possible (News Flash:
According to a recent Today Show, all men lie.
All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a monopoly
on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women
who are breathtaking liars. Don't you?).
According to the media, men are incapable of
remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting
through a weekend unless they're transfixed before
a marathon of football games. Women internalize
these messages: That's the way men are. That's
the way life is. Get over it.
And while the media is happy to sell us the myth
of the unattainable happy relationship, some of
us have come to believe in it because of our own
experiences.
Some of us:
(a) Had parents who treated each other indifferently,
(b) had parents who outright hated each other,
(c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d)
had a parent who suffered from alcoholism, (e)
had mothers who would rather have been doing something
else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a
mental illness.
And so, we learned to associate love with pain.
It's all we knew.
Others among us grew up in perfectly happy homes
with parents who loved each other and delighted
in us, but we still managed to:
(a) Internalize negative messages we heard from
our friends' parents who were unhappily married,
or
(b) Internalize negative messages we saw elsewhere
(I know a woman who, during her impressionable
teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each
other the silent treatment and expected her to
relay messages. She also babysat for another family,
where the father once came home early and started
reading a porn magazine!).
As a result of this programming, we set low bars
for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends
or husbands. Hey, it's better than being alone,
right?
Wrong.
If you're putting up with substandard behavior
from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date
anybody until you attract a man who makes your
happiness a priority. Trust me; such a man will
come into your life and stay there.
Treat him as you have come to expect him to treat
you, which means with affection, respect, and
consideration. Does this sound boring to you?
If it does, please examine your feelings about
relationships and see if they haven't determined
the kind of men you attract.
You see, once you stop dating men who disappoint
you but excite you, you can make room for a guy
who loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and
who excites you. Love and excitement are important,
but if they're accompanied by pain, something's
wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy
who lets you down.
Ask yourself, "Where did I ever get the
idea that love has to hurt?"
Give yourself time to come up with the answers.
Take stock of whether your relationship is worth
saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference?
If not, are you willing to make room for a man
who will love you and make you laugh instead of
cry for a change?
"Because when pain has been intertwined
with love and closeness, it's very difficult to
believe that love and closeness can be experienced
without pain." -Gloria Steinem, "Revolution
from Within."
If you tend to attract men who disappoint you
(by cheating on you, not showing up when they
say they will, or just refusing to get off the
couch), you may be confusing love with pain.
So many of us have been brought up to believe
that pain is normal, even expected, in a love
relationship. Without it, the relationship seems
flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why is it that
so many women have great sex after a fight with
a significant other?)
A happy, loving relationship eludes us because
we don't recognize it when we see it, or because
we simply believe it's not possible (News Flash:
According to a recent Today Show, all men lie.
All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a monopoly
on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women
who are breathtaking liars. Don't you?).
According to the media, men are incapable of
remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting
through a weekend unless they're transfixed before
a marathon of football games. Women internalize
these messages: That's the way men are. That's
the way life is. Get over it.
And while the media is happy to sell us the myth
of the unattainable happy relationship, some of
us have come to believe in it because of our own
experiences.
Some of us:
(a) Had parents who treated each other indifferently,
(b) had parents who outright hated each other,
(c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d)
had a parent who suffered from alcoholism, (e)
had mothers who would rather have been doing something
else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a
mental illness.
And so, we learned to associate love with pain.
It's all we knew.
Others among us grew up in perfectly happy homes
with parents who loved each other and delighted
in us, but we still managed to:
(a) Internalize negative messages we heard from
our friends' parents who were unhappily married,
or
(b) Internalize negative messages we saw elsewhere
(I know a woman who, during her impressionable
teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each
other the silent treatment and expected her to
relay messages. She also babysat for another family,
where the father once came home early and started
reading a porn magazine!).
As a result of this programming, we set low bars
for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends
or husbands. Hey, it's better than being alone,
right?
Wrong.
If you're putting up with substandard behavior
from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date
anybody until you attract a man who makes your
happiness a priority. Trust me; such a man will
come into your life and stay there.
Treat him as you have come to expect him to treat
you, which means with affection, respect, and
consideration. Does this sound boring to you?
If it does, please examine your feelings about
relationships and see if they haven't determined
the kind of men you attract.
You see, once you stop dating men who disappoint
you but excite you, you can make room for a guy
who loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and
who excites you. Love and excitement are important,
but if they're accompanied by pain, something's
wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy
who lets you down.
Ask yourself, "Where did I ever get the
idea that love has to hurt?"
Give yourself time to come up with the answers.
Take stock of whether your relationship is worth
saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference?
If not, are you willing to make room for a man
who will love you and make you laugh instead of
cry for a change? |
